All You Wanted And More

"If she was all you wanted and herself besides," asked Rydra, her head shaking between two names on the screen, "could you love her?"

Excerpt from Babel-17
by Samuel R. Delany

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It seems to me that there are many ways of loving someone, but in my experience there are some that pop up frequently:

1. Because she's everything you wanted (or close enough)
Why else would you be with someone? Isn't this what we all strive for? The ideal? The person who treats us how we want to be treated, makes us feel better about life, is easy to look at and talk with, the best friend and lover, and the one who always has our back, no matter who else abandons us? This is the purely selfish part of love, but a necessary part. What we want matters, just as much as what the other person wants.

2. Because you understand her
Harder to express is how important it is to "get" the person you're with, whether they see it or not. To appreciate their sense of humor; to be able to make sense of their moods, their subtle facial expressions, and their words (or lack thereof); to feel a sense of enjoyment and relief because of how close this understanding makes you feel to them.

3. Because she grew on you
Despite perhaps being perplexed at first by the person you're with, their peculiarities begin to grow on you. They walk a certain way, laugh a certain way, sleep a certain way, and though you may always find these things fascinating, you eventually consider them less odd than necessary. Their way of being has grown on you to such an extent that you can't imagine not having them play a role in your life.

4. Because she's herself
Sometimes the trickiest aspect to loving someone is in doing so for whomever and whatever they are. This is where collisions happen, where personalities must navigate the same waters and find ways to moor. Accepting others when they're being themselves, and encouraging it, is in fact one kind of love, and perhaps the most difficult. It often requires giving up some of that selfishness, and just allowing yourself to adore the person you're with.