Even When We Take On Giants

...I can too easily imagine how his feathery hope is being crushed beneath a weight of unearned shame. His failure to defeat something more powerful than himself, and the scar that reminds him of his failure, is no reason for shame; guilt is deserved only when the effort to resist evil is never made.

Yet the human heart is disheartened by the most unreasonable self-judgments, because even when we take on giants, we too often confuse failure with fault, which I know too well. The only way back from such a bleak despondency is to shape humiliation into humility, to strive always to triumph over the darkness while never forgetting that the honor and the beauty are more in the striving than in the winning. When triumph at last comes, our efforts alone could not have won the day without that grace which surpasses all understanding and which will, if we allow it, imbue our lives with meaning.

Excerpt from Odd Interlude: A Special Odd Thomas Adventure
by Dean Koontz

 

Noticing As They Go

A question that I often ask myself, and just as often fail to answer, is: What am I doing with my life? I recall that I never planned to live this way. If it was ever part of the plan, then it was supposed to be a small part, something to help get me to the place where I really wanted to be. Instead, I feel like I've fallen into the same trap that everyone falls into. I've become too comfortable with the rut that I'm in; you could even say that I'm fond of the rut.

And then I remember that this life is temporary, and it forces me to take a closer look at the rut I'm in. If I continue to cling to my current lifestyle, then the majority of my days will take the shape of the office that I sit in and the commute required for me to get there. My experiences will be mostly limited to whatever time I spend at the office desk, pounding out code fragments that are largely meaningless.

What if I were to say goodbye to this rut, though, and make drastic changes? What kinds of things would I do instead? Here are some scenarios that come to mind:

I would find myself a cheap house or cabin, a fixer-upper in a great location (on the beach, or beside a lake in a secluded spot in the mountains, etc.), something that I could buy with cash. I'd find myself some part-time work (manual labor or something creative, woodworking or farming or brewing beer) or work that I could do out of my own house. I'd write. Maybe my writing would become my work. I'd spend a lot of time outside, even if it was just reading in the hammock on my back porch. I'd swim. I'd boat, probably on something rickety and old. I'd keep a vegetable patch and maybe do some fishing. I'd mostly pretend that the rest of the world didn't exist, except for those times when I hopped in the car to take a road trip or to visit a local saloon or bookshop. Perhaps I'd occasionally teach a class at the community center, something about computers or literature. Sometimes, my road trips would have no definite end; I would just keep going from one small town to the next, stopping for a few days here and there whenever a place seemed particularly charming. Now and then, I'd drop in unexpectedly on friends and family.

Okay, honestly, I don't know if this dream scenario wouldn't end up being just another kind of rut.

I suppose the crux of the matter is that I don't want to be in a position to allow my days to slip by without my hardly noticing; I want to notice them going! I don't want to spend the majority of my life in service to something else unless it's something I care about intensely. I don't simply want to sustain my life from day to day; I want to be actively creating it! Every day.

So I guess the question is: Can I do this without making drastic changes?

 

On Being Lost

Have you ever felt like you've lost something important? Not your keys, or your wallet. Not even a work of art you've been slaving over for years. I mean something important: Something inside of you.

Some days, I feel like I've lost bits and pieces of myself somewhere along the way. I wish I could follow the crumbs I've been losing and trace my path back to where I once was. Back to some place where, even if I didn't know who I was, then, at the least, I could feel like myself.

I know it's not uncommon to be untrue to oneself at times. We say things and do things that don't match up to the types of people we envision ourselves being. But I think I've surpassed this. I feel unrecognizable to myself much of the time. I don't know where I'm headed, and, perhaps worse, I don't know why I'm headed there. If I could summon up a version of myself from many years ago, I'm not sure he would approve of my current situation and/or condition. I suspect he would lecture me about the folly of losing one's way. He would likely demand reparations.

If he were here, then I'd be able to see where I went astray. Then I could draw a straight line from me to him and guide myself back. That line would often intersect the route that I took to get here, which, plotted, would probably look like a tangled ball of yarn. A route whose heading no one could guess.

But I doubt going back is an option. And unravelling my route to determine where I'm headed seems equally improbable. Still, I'll have to figure this out, because one thing that I do know is that staying lost indefinitely isn't what I want. There is no meaning in being lost.

 

Even If They Don't Know It

Sometimes I wonder if the people around me have a better idea of how to live than I ever will. I see people who have smiles on their faces every day and I wonder: Are they happier than the rest of us? I hear snatches of conversation and listen as people laugh heartily at what seems to be the silliest things and I wonder: Are they soaking up more enjoyment out of life than the rest of us? I notice those who are seemingly unconcerned about appearance and uninhibited with what they say or do, and I wonder: Are they more in tune with what's important and what's not?

Maybe life doesn't have to be as meaningful as I'd like it to be, and maybe I'm missing out by trying to create and look for meaning in it. Maybe it's better not to complicate life any more than I have to. Maybe others have it right, even if they don't know it.